Insecurity

*Watch Ingrid's video before reading!*

After watching this video, it got me thinking about insecurities and how they affect us in a big way. Everyone has their own insecurities, whether it's a physical attribute, or something about their personality or mentality. Each and every one of them is as valid as the other. I figured I'd write about my insecurities and my thoughts on the topic, as I do with everything I write here, in the hope it'll inspire you to do the same. I feel like it could be a little therapeutic, too. 

I've never really told this story to anyone before, but it feels a lot easier to tell it in writing rather than face-to-face. I don't remember having anything that bothered me about myself in primary school, none of the kids picked on me or anything. It wasn't until my first week of secondary school that one of my insecurities was introduced by two boys in my DT class. They'd decided it'd be a fun idea to hold two rulers against their own noses, and say that that was what mine looked like. I was never aware that my nose was any different to anyone elses, because until that point, it hadn't been pointed out to me. But after that moment, for years, my nose became a huge insecurity for me, it still is now. Every time I looked in a mirror, I saw this massive clump of skin and bone in the middle of my face, sticking out from everything else; I saw myself as ugly. It's not that it's just long either, there's a ridge in it from when I ran into a bookcase when I was younger (I'm sure that was the story, my mum will correct me if I'm wrong!) which made it stand out to me even more. 

All thanks to those two ignorant boys, this one imperfect feature became a centre point for my insecurities and  for my misery. Anytime somebody was looking at me oddly, I decided they were staring at my nose. If kids were whispering to each other in class, it was obviously about my nose. For years, I decided that when I was older, I'd save up money for plastic surgery to make it smaller and straighter, just so I could be like everyone else. How crazy is that? A 12 year old wanting a nose job... 

That's still my biggest insecurity, but it's become a lot less prominent over the last few years. Maybe I've just got used to it, and it's not such a big deal to me anymore. Maybe after 20 years, I've stopped caring about these physical imperfections so much. Whatever it is, it's made a huge difference to me.

Do I suddenly think that my nose is perfect? Absolutely not. I'm not happy with it, but I no longer let that bother me so much. Everybody has little things that they wish they could change about themselves, whether it's a facial feature, weight, the size of their boobs (or if you're male, the size of your penis, even!), how many moles you have on your body, the amount of hair on your body, anything can become an insecurity. So if everybody has them, why do we let them bother us so much? Why don't we all just get on with them and accept that everybody is different? Not one person in the world is perfect, despite what people may think. For example, if you found one person in the world who was your representation of perfection, I can guarantee that that person would not agree. They would have at least one thing that they would change about themselves.

Everybody has days where they feel ugly, or not at their best, but nobody should ever feel like that 100% of the time. I encourage whoever is reading this, to share your insecurities, to let people know that they're completely normal. If you have a blog, please write a post in response to this, and leave the link in the comments section! If you don't, talk about your insecurities to a parent, a sibling, a friend even. Insecurities are a completely normal thing to have, don't let them take over your life. 

Emotional Attachment

Ooooh, it's been a while, hasn't it! Complaining about relationship issues was my favourite topic until things started to run smoothly! It's not that I'm writing this to complain exactly, but more to vent my frustrations.

My relationship with Mr. T. is a little... unconventional, I suppose. Unlike most couples I know, we don't talk everyday; something that used to bother me a lot. It made me feel like he didn't care about me enough to ask how I was, or to see what I was up to, or even just to chat for the sake of chatting to his girlfriend. And then I'd do that stupid girl thing and look at when he was last online on Facebook and WhatsApp (stalking sessions are the best) and find out that he'd been talking to his friends perfectly fine, or absent-mindedly scrolling though his newsfeed to pass the time, but couldn't find any spare moment in the day to talk to me. I mean long-distance relationships are hard enough already without the added annoyance of one half's neglect for communication (I'm not just talking texts here: phone calls, Skype, WhatsApp, FaceBook Messenger, everything). He'd rather spend his free time with his friends or on his PS3, which bothered me immensely before I realised it wasn't that important, as long as there wasn't huge gaps between talking, and when we did talk, there was actual conversation there, not just pointless chatter.

We've both been really happy for the last few months. But as I mentioned, our relationship isn't as standard as most. With me, it takes a while for me to trust someone, to be able to let them into my life in such a big way. But when I do, I open up fully to them. And I really begin to fall for them. The big L-O-V-E. Mr. T. on the other hand, has always been a closed book. We've been together for over a year (not including our blip last year), but he's never been able to fully open up, never been able to say those words to me, because he's scared of emotional attachment.

And the thing that bothers me is that he won't tell me exactly what it is that's so hard to let himself go, to feel these emotions that everyone else seems perfectly capable of feeling after a certain time. I know that him not being able to feel these things doesn't lessen how much he cares about me, but still, I can't say that it doesn't bother me, because it really does. Imagine being in a relationship with someone who you love entirely, even through all their faults and annoyances, who you know no other girl would put up with... but who, for some reason, can't reciprocate that same emotion.

I don't want this to give the impression that I'm in a bad relationship, because I'm really not. We're both the happiest we've ever been together. It's just when we're apart for long periods of time, it makes me think about these things a lot more than I would normally. It's just a little shitty, I guess...

Summer Bucket List

This weeks #2014BloggerChallenge, was to write a summer bucket list! I love this challenge so much, and came up with a list of 20 things I want to do before going back to uni in September!

1. Go on holiday 

I've booked flights to stay with my friend Alison (you can check out her blog here) in Greece in the middle of August, so this should be pretty simple to complete!

2. Do different things when Mr. T visits

Mr. T being "the boy" (thanks Betsy, for helping me come up with an online name for him! T is the initial of his first name!). I've been trying to come up with a list of things that we could do when he visits Essex to make things more interesting. So far I have "Southend-on-Sea" aaaaaand, that's about it! I'll keep working on this one!

3. Make ice cream floats

I used to make these ALL the time! Ice cream and coke... It sounds disgusting, but the result is a perfect concoction of fizz and cream.

4. Go on a road trip

A few friends, just go for a drive and end up somewhere we've not been to. Simple.

5. Eat ice cream at the beach

This could probably be achieved if me and Mr. T end up at Southend, but there's just something satisfying about watching the waves while eating an ice cream.

6. Visit uni friends

In particular, my friends Kirstie and Beth (my current and future housemates!), who both live around the Cambridge area. I've been promised a night out that I'm determined to fulfil this year!

7. Have a London tourist day

Simple, really. I've lived near London for my entire life, so I never get to do the whole "tourist" thing, like taking pictures outside the big landmarks and just taking in the scenery.

8. Go to somewhere new

This is again, quite simple. I want to visit somewhere I've never been before.

9. Swim in the sea

Believe it or not, I've never actually swum in a sea. I don't trust the English waters, but I'll 100% get to fulfil this wish when I'm in Greece! Clear waters and sun!

10. Bake more

Cupcakes, brownies, cookies, you name it, I want to make it!

11. Get a decent tan

Easier said than done. I want to be brown, not bright red, after my holiday!

12. Read more

I've actually just placed an order on Amazon for £55, purely on books, so this should be easy!

13. Go to a theme park

I haven't been to a theme park in years! Thorpe Park or Alton Towers is calling my name. I just need a car and friends willing to go!

14. Take more pictures

I've been pretty good with this lately, as I've really started getting into taking pictures for my blog, but I want to have a load of photos that I can look back at in a year or two.

15. Start yoga

It's so relaxing and beneficial, but for some reason, I can never be bothered to start!

16. Dip-dye my hair

Last summer, I dip-dyed my hair both purple and blue, and loved the results. I'd like to try that again.

17. See my friends more often

Last summer, I was too busy moping around or complaining about money to go out with my friends. I want that to change.

18. Clean out my junk

Get rid of all the unnecessary crap lying around in my room!

19. Summer-ise my wardrobe

Cut jeans into shorts, tie-dye some stuff, just make it more summery!

20. Make juice ice cubes and add Sprite

Super simple! I saw a Pinterest post, and you literally freeze fruit juice into ice cubes, and add Sprite. Sounds delicious!

What's on your summer bucket list?